How to “Sit in the Dark” With Someone

Earlier, I explored emotional literacy as the foundational skill for understanding emotions in both yourself and others. In this article, I’ll share a few principles about how to “sit in the dark” with someone, a metaphor for holding space and being emotionally present with someone in their difficult moment without trying to fix, solve, or immediately make things better, or force positivity. It is the willingness to stay with discomfort, to listen, and to acknowledge what they are feeling without rushing them out of it. 

Don’t be afraid of the dark

Many people, especially in efficient, problem-solving cultures like Singapore, prefer to fix the problem immediately. When someone shares a problem, we jump straight to solutions, but that’s not always what they need. Before responding, clarify the kind of support they’re seeking. Former FBI hostage negotiator Chris Voss calls this “tactical empathy”, the ability to recognise and articulate another person’s emotions to build trust and understanding (Voss & Raz, 2016). Often, the most powerful response is simply creating space for them to keep talking. First, assess:

“Is this a 1, 2, or 3 situation?” 

1: Do they need to vent? Translates to “Can you sit in the dark” with me?

2: Do they need my advice?

3: Do they need a solution or need me to fix the problem?

This small question saves time trying to decipher their codex and can save enormous amounts of confusion and frustration.

If they need to 1: Vent

If they need to vent, the most powerful tool you have is listening. Remember, “sitting in the dark” is remaining with someone without immediately trying to fix the situation or turn the lights on too quickly. Also, avoid turning the conversation toward yourself yet. Make it all about them, because what they need most right now is to feel heard. This is similar to “words of affirmation” in the five love languages. One simple anchoring framework is this formula:

Notice a Detail + Encouragement + Notice a Prior Detail + Expand

You: How are you feeling today?

Person: A bit drained, honestly. I had a tough call with my mum again. I just never seem to say the right thing with her. (This is your detail anchor)

You: Hey, the fact that you keep trying takes real patience. Not everyone would keep showing up the way you do. (Notice a detail + Encouragement) I know that xx situation has been tough, do you want to talk about it? (Noticed something about them from before + Expanded the conversation)

Person: Yeah, it’s been rocky since last year. She said something that really stung today…

And then you allow the conversation to unfold. What you are communicating is your genuine interest in them. Often, people already know how to solve their own problems, but they just simply want to feel heard. When someone feels truly listened to, something remarkable happens, trust grows quickly!

Name the Emotion

Building a precise emotional vocabulary helps you name what someone is truly feeling and respond with clarity. The Wheel of Emotions, developed by Robert Plutchik (1980), helps us recognise that surface reactions often mask deeper emotions like fear, shame, loneliness, or insecurity. Attuning to their tone and body language deepens this further. The goal isn’t to use their emotions against them, but to listen and to sit in with them during their difficult moment, acknowledge how they feel and build trust.

Read article: Emotional Literacy as the Foundation for Good Relationships

If they need 2: Advice 

If the person really wants advice, then it is appropriate to offer your perspective. But emotional intelligence matters here. Advice delivered without care can easily feel like criticism. Even when you believe you are being “honest,” unfiltered truth can damage the relationship if it is delivered harshly. If the goal is to maintain connection, advice should be offered with sensitivity and respect for the other person’s emotional state. Honesty does not require brutality.

If they need 3: Help Fixing The Problem

If someone asks for help solving the issue, then practical support and action may be needed. In the love languages, this often falls under “acts of service”, using the resources available to you to alleviate the situation in a tangible and meaningful way. 

Final Thoughts

Sitting in the dark with someone is not a passive act, but one of the most deliberate and powerful things you can do for another person. Choosing to be present is a quiet form of courage. 

The next time someone comes to you with something heavy, pause before you respond. Run through the three questions: Do they need to vent? Do they need advice? Do they need you to help fix it?  The key skill is knowing which one is required. That single moment of assessment can be the difference between a conversation that heals and one that unintentionally distances.

Most of the time, people are not looking for answers. They simply do not wish to be alone. Therefore, you do not need perfect words, just stay, listen, and show them that you are willing to be with them. That is what it means to sit in the dark with someone.

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